My New Years Resolution

So, I was thinking about this last night as I laid in bed getting my kid to sleep about things I could change this year. As of right now, there’s a million balls in the air and I legitimately don’t fully grasp which direction my life is currently going so I had to focus. Look at all the weird winding paths my life seems to be going down and see if there’s one that’s been going the same direction for a while and, if so, if it’s one I WANT to be traversing.

Amid that crazy tangle of paths I noticed one. It was a wide path, beaten for so long it was practically four lanes. It was the path that lead towards unbalanced friendships and I had been on that path for an embarrassingly long time.

See, there’s two types of paths you can go down in life that you can expect to be on for a while. The kind you stay on for a long time because you’re working towards something, which this path is not, or, there’s the second one, the kind that seems like the kind of path you’d hear about in a fantasy story involving curses. It’s the path that legitimately goes no where. The longer you go down it, the longer the path gets. It has no end, no reward, and it’s ultimately a trap and I’ve been on it for over a decade now.

About a year ago I did something both childish and eye-opening. It’s something I recommend that no one do. Especially if you feel you’re close to getting the same results I did.

I compiled data. It’s usually my dad’s thing. He loves data compiling and I think I have a little bit of it genetically encoded. But I went into both Facebook and Excel. I created a row for each person on my friends list and then, going into the messages (after creating a few IF statements) I added some numbers. I had a number of how many conversations I had in the history I stored on Facebook. Then I had a secondary number for how many times those conversations had been started by me. For dark funzies I added a third number for how many conversations had been ATTEMPTED by me, but never responded to by the recipient. After that, in a fourth column, there was a percentage for how many conversations I had with that person that were started by me with a second one for what percent of conversations I attempted were ignored.

The numbers looked pretty dark but I kept doing it. Ignoring the obvious ones like people’s secondary accounts, mock accounts and the like. Focusing on real people. Primarily the ones I considered friends. At the bottom, there was a total of what percentage of all conversations were started by me among my entire friends list population and a second with how many times I’ve been shunted.

I don’t recall the exact number as I deleted the file months ago realizing I’d be staring at it till the world around me went dark and I burned existence to the ground but the amount of conversations I started was about 89% and the amount of times people ignored my attempt to talk to them was around 70%.

For the record, before you think there was a steep curve. The highest score winner (I left my wife off the roster purposely to not throw off the numbers as she’s awesome and responds) had me start 62% of the conversations and ignored me 55% of the time. Still not pleasant.

But I was thinking about that last night and that’s when I realized. I need to stop this. I need to stop the one-sided friendships. It’s something I pump so much fucking effort into and it’s like throwing effort off a cliff into nothingness. I’ve done everything from driving hours to give them a shoulder to dumping money on them to straight up letting people stay with me in their own room. Hell, I have a room in my new home right now because someone made it sound like they were going to move in there and I haven’t heard from them in almost a month and that room’s still sitting there practically useless.

And in return? The majority of my friends haven’t even met my kids. I have two of the coolest, brightest children I’ve ever encountered (no hyperbole, my 2-year-old wrote his own song tonight that wasn’t gibberish) and no one gives a solitary fuck. All the things I’ve done and I don’t see a soul. I have, on average, about three visitors a year if you don’t count family and honestly, that three count is usually made of people picking up things from my house that they want to borrow.

So my resolution this year? Fuck all that.

The people I’ve known for years, the people that I usually call friends, they know jack shit about me. I realized that recently when one of them tried to put me on blast by using the name I changed away from years ago, never realizing I don’t even have that name in real life anymore. I realized that when someone I thought I had been friends with for over a decade told me that my attention felt weird. I realized that when I came to the notion that there’s a professional camgirl on Twitter I befriended who I have never met in person, nor know the real name of, who takes an active interest in the goings on in my life more than people who live a block away from me who I’ve known for almost twenty years.

So you know? Seriously? Fuck it. I’m wasting so much time on people who look at the effort I give them like a fucking ill fitting t-shirt they didn’t ask for that they got on Christmas day. I don’t need it. The shirt’s only ill fitting to them because it was meant for someone else. Someone I haven’t met yet because I’ve spent to much time dumping my coins in a goddamn wishing well.

So, for 2016, I’m going to try my damnedest to put an end to it. The kicker is, it’ll be completely frustrating because in the last two months I’ve deleted almost 100 people and so far, none of them have noticed. So it’s not even going to be one of those things that, should I succeed in, I’ll hear about or get apologies for or even angry rants about. They’ll never notice. They’ll never even read this. With the exception of about two people, no one I actually know reads my blog. It’s usually random (but awesome) strangers I’ve met on here or on Twitter (and a weird amount of viewers from India). So…yeah.

Here’s to 2016 and let’s work to fix bullshit! *clink*

BetteDavis

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6 thoughts on “My New Years Resolution

  1. I read it. I had no idea you were inflicting that sort of pain onto yourself. Had I known, you know I would’ve talked you down from it. Hoarding that shit will make you miserable. I know because my mother does it. She writes down everything and can recall any date at anytime because it’s always at an arms reach. I tried desperately for years to have friends. Guess what? Other than a handful of ppl (most of whom are my husband and kids) I really don’t. I’ve come to the conclusion I must be a terrible peeps to be around. I know personally, if I don’t start conversations, it’s because I feel like I’m a nuisance. Im annoying as crap and I forget what I’m talking about, lose confidence, and end up sounding stupid or high as fuck. But there are those I consider good friends I just understand are the good ones in my life without constant contact. You are one of them. Yes, by all means, let this be your resolution.

  2. You seem like you’ve had a really interesting life to be honest, just from the things I’ve seen you share from time to time and have read here.
    I just wanted to say I fully support and completely share the sentiment about cutting off people who make zero effort for you in their life.
    On one hand you have to think of their life as well and what might be keeping them from being able to be involved, I myself am the type to sort of shut people out when I’m going through my own shit, and by the time I come out of it I feel like too much time has passed or they don’t care anymore so I sort of mosey along and just let things happen as they do.
    But in most cases it isn’t like that, it’s people being selfish or vapid or shallow on whatever scale they use to deem someone worthy of association or a simple “hello” back.
    You’re definitely not missing out by cutting those ties, and it opens up so much more room for you to know yourself better and then MAYBE find likeminded folk to invite into that and have bonds with.

    There will only ever be a handful of these, that’s what I’ve learned, and it’s more than enough and they will never make you feel like you need to hold on too tightly or drop altogether.
    They will just be a comforting, solid presence in your palm and in your life, and regardless of time passed there will always exist warmth and connection that is genuine.

    You have already given yourself a great gift of freeing yourself from what wasn’t right for you, I hope 2016 brings lots of what isπŸ’—

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