What’s He Really REALLY Thinking?

My wife was recently at the doctor’s and, as always, they give out magazines en masse. Most of the time these are the kind of thing that we feed directly to our trash can overlord but, for some reason, my wife cracked open one of them and found an “article” she wanted to show me. The magazine is called Countdown and it contained an article called The Last Word: What’s He Really Thinking? written by an unnamed author (possibly to save her the embarrassment of having this snapped to her name. In it, it gives mothers a list of things your baby’s father may say, but then let’s you know what he really means. Essentially, it’s loving comments, followed by male stereotyping on par with a 1970’s role model. So what I’m doing is recreating the article here, with the He Says… and the He Means… categories included but also adding another category I’m loving calling What I’d Say to Him.

But first, here’s a picture of the article so you know I’m not making this bullshit up.

(Cell phone cam, sorry for the quality)

(Cell phone cam, sorry for the quality)

Anyways, here we go.


He Says:
“You’re pregnant? That’s awesome!”
He Means:
Oh my God, how am I going to pay for this? You can sell a kidney on eBay right?
What I’d Say to Him:
Calm down, dipshit. Use your head. Even if you were in a financial pickle, there’s hundreds of programs out there that will help you to afford your child. You never see a homeless guy on the street because children. It doesn’t happen. Calm down.

He Says:
“Sure, if it’s a boy, we can think of naming him after your Uncle Eggbert.”
He Means:
Eggbert? Who’s ever heard of a football player or a fighter pilot named Eggbert? Not gonna happen.
What I’d Say to Him:
Really? Your kid’s not even born yet and you’re already dumping that gender stereotype bullshit on your kid? You’re almost more sexist than whoever wrote this article. And secondly, your wife has a name that’s important to her and means something, if you don’t like it, propose a better one. Compromise. Don’t fucking lie to your wife about shit.

He Says:
“I guess you’re right: a minivan is the most practical option.”
He Means:
I’d rather walk. Barefoot. Over broken glass.
What I’d Say to Him:
You’re rather walk on broken glass? See? This is exactly the type of gender stereotyping damage I brought up earlier does to a child. You think it’s manly to not have a minivan? Let me tell you something, my grandfather was easily the manliest man who ever manned and he taught me that you should always use the right tool for the job. You have kids? You need space? Yes, the proper tool is a minivan. A real man knows he is, and doesn’t fear someone questioning that. Grow up, fictional stereotype.

He Says:
“It’s never to early to start saving for college, so let’s look into a 529 plan.”
He Means:
Bye-bye, 50-inch flatscreen TV.
What I’d Say to Him:
First off, it’s 2014 (almost 2015) and all TV’s are flat, don’t say “flatscreen”. It makes you sound like one of those assholes that say “double-u, double-u, double-u” at the beginning of a URL. Stop it. Secondly, you can get a 50-inch at Costco. Thirdly, no, you’re right. Spend all the money on you, and then, when you’re kid’s still living at home in his thirty’s because he didn’t go to school, you can sit under the warm glow of your oversized television and watch people who make more money than the both of you combined in glaring HD.

He Says:
“Yes, I’ll be in the delivery room the whole time holding your hand and looking into your beautiful eyes.”
He Means:
You better believe I’ll be looking into your eyes, because there’s no way I’m checking out what’s happening on the other side of that sheet.
What I’d Say to Him:
Jesus, man. You’ve never seen a vagina before? My wife had a water birth, and the badass did it without drugs. I held her hands, I looked her eyes and I felt her hand clench tightly around mine as I looked into the water and saw my son for the first time slip through the veil of the womb and into the outside world and it was fucking incredible. Own up to it. You’re a dad now and you’re going to see far worst shit than the top of a baby’s head.

He Says:
“It’s a girl! I can’t wait to start spoiling my little princess!”
He Means:
She’s not allowed to date until she’s 30. Maybe 35.
What I’d Say to Him:
You know, it’s bad enough that this horrible stereotype of a person was going to determine his kid’s name based off what would more than likely turn him into a football player or fighter pilot, but now you’re also questioning a woman’s choice making ability? Then again, if my only experience with women was the one women that decided to sleep with you, I’d question it also. How about seeing how your kid turns out before you worry about people fucking her?

He Says:
“I love our baby so much it hurts.”
He Means:
I love our baby so much it hurts.
What I’d Say to Him:
Prove it, asshole.


So, that was it. This offensive piece of anti-male drivel was in the “2014issue2” edition of Countdown magazine, who are apparently published by the folks who publish American Baby. Ironically, the person in charge of “editorial direction” is a man by the name of Jonathan Whitbourne. So, apparently, he’s not even aware how is own gender works.

What’s also disheartening is that this magazine is mostly a series of articles thrown together to create a fake magazine to sell you things. Huggies, Medela, Kohl’s and others all advertise in here which makes me think they don’t understand people either.

To all parties involved, I give you all a heartfelt, “go fuck yourself” and follow up with a picture of me and my kid because I can.

Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 5.16.07 PM

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “What’s He Really REALLY Thinking?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s