Residual Memory or Chronal Loop

There’s this guy.

He spent the majority of his life living in Northern Ohio.
He owns way to many toys for his age.
He still buys new ones.
He still has his old ones.
He loves video games and plays them all the time.
He’s hyper.
He got beat up all the time in school.
When he’s with his friends he gets loud mouthed.
Wise cracking.
When his adrenaline is up and he’s excited you can’t stop him.
Offensive jokes.
Speeding in his car.
He gets incredibly obnoxious but still does his best to fix his many mistakes.
He can be self destructive.
If things aren’t going his way it takes a lot for him to hold himself together and be rational.
He can go into fits of panic as easily as he can become detached.
Everyone knows him.
He’s a name in many circles.
Yet no one goes out of their way to see him or talk to him.
Like wise, he feels alone, even in a crowd.
He can be incredibly happy and smart and witty when he’s with people.
But left to his own devices, left in the quiet, his own mind is overwhelming.
Depression seeps in and no matter how great his accomplishments…
he always feels moments from it all crashing down around him.
Nothing feels permanent.
Everything seems fleeting.

Then, when he was in his early 30’s the man had a son.
This changed everything.
He gamed less.
Stopped buying toys.
Put away a ton of his stuff so the baby didn’t hurt himself on it.
Tried harder and got a much better job.
A full time job that made him more money than he had made in a long time.
And in addition, he started educating himself.
Putting himself in another room where he would study and write.
Trying to do his best for his son to make sure there was a safety net for his kid.

By now, you’re probably 100% of who this is.

“It’s you, Eric, right?”

Close.

I’m talking about my dad.

And this terrifies me. I was looking at this boomerang I used to throw around in my backyard when I was younger and living at home. Thinking about the circular nature in life and I was thinking about what it must have been like for my dad.

boomerang

The only difference, really, in his story and mine is that his studying was him studying for himself to learn his field with books he found where as I’m going to college.

But there’s a┬ácontinuation to his story from the mid-30’s and up.

And, for the most part it didn’t go well.

Without airing my family’s dirty laundry too much. There were some events…

Divorce.
Yelling.
Anger.
Depression.
Fighting.
Cold empty stares.
Detachment.
Drinking.
Violence.
And further depression.

And I can’t help thinking about it. So far, my life has been an exact parallel.
I even recently got a full time position.

And, in fairness, as I am a bit of a statistics fan,
it’s almost impossible for me to think that suddenly the parallels will stop.
That they’ll stop just because I don’t like where this ride is going.

It feels like I watched someone get on an unfinished roller coaster,
travel around the course and get flung into darkness.
Then, I blinked and suddenly the safety bar was lowering over my head.

I know my request for comments and advice normally go unanswered in WordPress.
But I have to ask, how do I get the track repaired before I crash directly into,
the wreckage of the past?

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2 thoughts on “Residual Memory or Chronal Loop

  1. I understand the fear of turning into your Dad. It’s a legitimate concern that you might be following in the same rut that he modeled for you.

    But…you’re not your Dad. Just knowing that these parallels exist means you’re self aware enough to make changes, to be better. If you feel like you’re echoing something your father would have done, I think you’ll be smart enough to check yourself.

    Plus, you’re not your Dad because you are fucking Eric. You know, the dickish friend of mine. If you start veering into becoming just an asshole instead of a loveable asshole, l’ll let you know. I’m sure Polly will also let you know. You’ve got loved ones backing you up.

    Eric, from where I’m standing, seems like your concerns are completely valid, but your anxiety isn’t. I struggle with letting anxiety about my future fuck with my present too: don’t do it.

    Just keep being awesome.

    • Hey thanks man. I know I’m not him but there’s so many parallels between who he was when he was my age and who I am now it makes me worry.

      I mean, it’s not like he didn’t do alright for himself. But there was a lot of things that changed in his life before he got there that I don’t want happening.

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