Suddenly I’m the Hero of Haarlem

This are just falling apart around me. I can’t lie. It’s hard.

I’m not sure even where to begin this blog but I want to put this blog out there.

My health is going nuts. My head is insane. I can’t focus. I’ll know exactly what needs to be done and then immediately forget it. At the Fourth of July picnic me, my wife, and my kid went to, I threw away a bag of tupperware, buns and baby stuff just because there was a piece of trash in it and I assumed the entire bag was trash.

I’ll just blank. Completely. And when I do focus, it’s like I’m a rider at a rodeo, trying to break the horse of my own thought as it desperately tries to throw me from it. Today, I want for a several hour walk with my son and I was trying to focus, trying to just focus on one thought while I was walking and, I swear, it sounds like screaming in my head. Screaming and sobbing of all genders and voice types.

I’m losing my mind.

I have school starting back up tomorrow. Hopefully that helps. School helps me focus a bit. But I’m not sure, it seems like every time something more stressful happens it becomes harder and harder, it almost feels like my brain is retreating back to infancy just to get my to hide from it all. I’m slurring words, forgetting how to pronounce others. Frankly, this sucks.

Also, I heard back from a job today. I know I should be excited as this might make me more than I do on unemployment, but I’m worried. It’s in a kitchen. A kitchen in a sports bar. The type of kitchen I was working in that accelerated my eczema so badly, that it spread across my face and dried one of my eyelids out so badly it cracked, allowing me to see out a small hairline fracture whenever I closed my eyes.

I have to take it though. I keep applying for jobs, none of them get back to me, even the ones I’m perfect for. And the majority of my friends that work at places they can get me hired at just out right refuse to help me.

Well, not refuse in the audible sense. They just don’t. Whenever I bring up how badly I need a job they just agree and change the subject.

Even my dad. A guy who could probably get me a job in a week at Ford won’t do it, probably in the fear I’ll embarrass him.

I’m honestly not sure what I should do anymore.

Suggestions from the peanut gallery? I see a bunch of people have started subscribing to my blog so, hopefully someone sees this. Help?


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