Every now and then, I’ll encounter a topic that I’ll get to writing and immediately wonder, “should I be putting this out there?”
This is one of them.
I’ve been having a growing problem that I haven’t really made public. I’ve eluded to it, but…with the exception of one person, no one’s really taken me seriously as, admittedly, it sounds like hyperbole.
So, before I get into this, let me make a disclaimer. What I’m describing is real.
For the last couple weeks I haven’t been able to get to sleep. I’m going to chalk it up to anxiety. We have a newborn, I have one of the most thankless jobs I’ve ever encountered, it’s a little rough.
So, when I go to bed, I’m usually plagued with terrible nightmares that are, let’s just say, pretty blatant metaphors for my fears and anxieties. I’ll leave it at that. Trust me, I’m going to come off fucked up enough in this journal without describing my nightmares.
Anywho, the problem has been growing. It’s not just nightmares I’m worried about any more. I’ve started getting delusional. Luckily, this only seems to happen when I’m trying to go to bed, so it’s not immediately effecting my life. But it is in the sense that I’m tired and dazed through most of the day.
So, “delusional”. That’s the part where people start thinking I’m being hyperbolic. But keep reading.
The other night, I was laying in bed and I couldn’t sleep. My eyes were closed, and, without having to open them, I knew that up and down both sides of my bed were rows of cubicles filled with the loud, chatty, rude people I have to work with every day. I couldn’t sleep over their gossip, and humming and their overall lack of internal monologue. That thing where if they run into a messy order they have to go, “oh hell no” out loud as if they’re the only ones that have to deal with that sort of thing.
I couldn’t sleep. I could hear them all. My head was going to explode. I was hiding under my blanket too. I didn’t want them to find me so pulling the blanket up over my head, much like what a 6-year-old would imagine, was the thing my brain with which to keep the monsters away.
Or a different night. Before I tell you, understand I was in my bed, in the bedroom I’ve had for almost a decade now. But I couldn’t sleep because no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, I wasn’t in my bed or my room. It felt so unfamiliar and unwelcoming that I had this sense of dread as if I had broken into someone’s home, climbed into their bed while no one was home, and had absolutely no idea when they were going to suddenly come in and find me.
How about another example. This one’s a fun one. About a week ago. I couldn’t stop gripping the blankets because I could feel them being slowly pulled off of me by something that, once it had gotten me exposed, would love nothing more than to hop up on the bed and shred me to ribbons with whatever claws of knifes the unseen being had.
I’m guessing it runs in the family or something because when I described it to my dad he said it was clearly an anxiety disorder. But then, immediately followed it up by, essentially, stating that it’s perfectly normal in someone who’s doing their job and working hard.
Which, I can’t buy for one second. The human mind doesn’t normally break when using it correctly. I can’t imagine that’s a thing that we’re designed for. That would be like a microwaved meal stating, “cook for three minutes or until you can’t stop seeing horses in the air.” No. Does not make sense. We do not experience things that don’t exist when we’re doing what we should. Right? Haha, I want to say, “I’m not crazy in assuming that I’m right.” But after everything I’ve typed so far, I don’t want to give you guys a question so easy.
I don’t know. It’s getting worse and, I have this fear it’s going to leak over to the waking world. I already get visions. Like…very dark things that I’ll see in my mind’s eye which will just cause me to shudder. I know it’s happened a bunch at home where all of a sudden I’ll just shudder and go, “bleh”. And my wife will ask what’s wrong and I’ll reply, “Just had something really dark in my head.”
But what if it keeps getting worse? What if those things I see in my head lose that little filter that makes me know it’s just in my head. What if I just start perceiving things as real?
I really want to get out of this job. I want to get out of this state. I just want to pack the wife and kid in a car and just run away and start fresh somewhere. But, it doesn’t seem like that’ll ever happen. I can’t seem to find work.
Submitting my resume to a lot of these places just feels like I’m printing it up, lighting it on fire and then throwing it out the window.
I don’t know what to do anymore and, honestly, I’m a little scared. Ideas?