10 Fun Facts About Self

I was having a hard time coming up with something to write about so I figured I’d tap into the old nest egg of standbys from my old MySpace blogging days.

For those who were too young to know what MySpace was, it was a lot like Facebook except, for a long time, you could code your own website and had full creative freedom over your own property. It’s like an indy coffee shop versus the Starbucks that is Facebook.

Anywho. I’m going to tap into something I know I shouldn’t. The easiest way out for any blogger, but damnit, I want to write today. That’s right, I’m making a list.

Not just any list. Ten things you may not know about me and that I rarely talk about, if ever. So, in the words of the immortal bard, Mario Mario, “Here-a we goooo!”

(In no order of importance other than when they came across my head in the time it took me to write this.)

01) When I enter a public bathroom to use the urinal, I do so with the knowledge that at any moment, someone is going to come in and either shoot me or stab me in the back.

In fact, if you enter a bathroom and I’m already at a urinal, there’s a fairly high chance that I’ve either made peace with myself, or, depending on the layout of the bathroom, I’m devising a way to take you out should I hear the sound of a gun cocking. This may or may not have anything to do with the fact I was stabbed from behind when I used to teach, but more than likely it does.

There was even one time, during a fit of high anxiety and after I found out that commercial grade toilet paper and water create something almost like web fluid, that I kept toilet paper on me at the urinal. This way if an attacker came in, I could pee on it and fling it in their face as a stinky distraction.

02) I have the same day dream several times a day in which I can create isolated pockets of time distortion in which time freezes outside it and you can only move INSIDE the bubble. During which time, you do not age, but you can sleep. In this day dream, I’m sleeping for 10 hours, writing my book or just finishing the games I want to play. Hell, one time I just day dreamed about using my powers to finally watch Game of Thrones without subjecting my wife and child to the cornucopia of wet noises I’m sure come with it.

03) I think society is getting worse at a rate I can hardly fathom.

I’m a sucker for trends and statistics and I started doing this thing where every time I drive home I watch how many cars change lanes without using their turn signals. Or how many cars illegally enter the street by pulling into the left turn lane and waiting for an opening. Things of that nature. And it’s usually a disturbingly high percentage, often between 70-90%.

It really makes me worried because it seems as if we’re becoming this society where online prescience is everything and the travel time to get from point A to point B is just this loading screen in which we text and shut off without thinking.

04) I call the cops far more often than you’d imagine a senior citizen would.

It’s not something that I’m particularly proud of, but I don’t like people getting way with nonsense.

I saw someone causing a scene at Wendy’s. Yelling over the counter, calling the employees obscenities, I called the cops.

I see someone veering in the road late at night when bars are closing, I call the cops.

I hate stupidity. And before you say, “but Eric, you used to do stuff like that”. Well, first off, no. Neither scenarios were things I did BUT I was rather stupid. And that’s what I’ll call it, stupid. I sped, I was reckless, and I lost my license for it at a very young age.

I fully except it. But I’ve gone through a lot in my life and I’ve seen the error of my ways. I realized I was a danger to those around me and I stopped.

05) Complex video games with multiple things going on in them at once like Assassin’s Creed are one of the only things that shut off the voices in my head.

Not literal voices, but I have hardcore ADHD. Hardcore. And my mind is always alive with thoughts. To give you an example of what it’s like in my head, imagine this. You’re sitting in a chair. You’ve shut your eyes and you’re attempting to be calm. You’re trying to focus on the sound of your own breathing. But no matter where you are, where you go, you’re always in the middle of a shopping mall on Christmas Eve. That’s what it’s like in my head all the time. Inane chatter I can hardly make out. Thoughts that come and go so quickly I don’t get to know them. Thoughts I don’t WANT to get to know.

But when I play video games with a bunch of things going on, I can shut it down for a bit. When I play Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag (the game I’m slowly making my way through) suddenly my mind is just focused on the waves, on the ship controls, the side missions of sending the other ships of your fleet out on trade missions. Finding the hidden stuff. Whaling. All sorts of things.

My mind just loses itself in the fiction and, for that time, I’m calm and serene. I achieve a level of calm that I’ve yet to find in alcohol, meditation or even sleep.

06) I have a ton of rich friends, family and acquaintances and it drives me up a wall and takes everything in my power to not scream at them.

It’s not a bad thing that they’re rich. I’m not coming down on them.

But like, take my dad for example. He’ll go out and close some deal with some company and make a metric fuck ton of money. One time, he made so much profit doing something, that I had the realization that 15% of the money he had gotten from one payment could fix all the combined problems of both me and my wife combined.

It’s a painful thing to have in your head. I never want to be the person that asks for hand outs. I don’t. I’ve seen what it does to people if they’re the type that can fall into that trap. And frankly, my dad helps a lot already and it kills me.

But like, there are times where I want to just sit them down in a quiet bar somewhere and say, “listen, if you took out this much money from your account and gave it to me, both me and my wife could finally move, could finally pay of our debt, I could start writing and best of all, to you, it’s such a small amount of your account you wouldn’t even notice a decline.

Sometimes being on social media makes it worse too. Someone posted a picture of a gem encrusted DS case they had specifically made for them. The entire thing wasn’t gems, it was some sort of precious medal with a design that had some gems in it. But the cost of the case was almost as much as my wife’s student loans.

I spent days just thinking about that fact that for the cost of getting a DS case, she could have almost completely cleared my wife of her loans.

Again, it’s not their fault being rich. And being rich does not mean a life of servitude to those who are NOT rich. But it’s something I find myself constantly struggling with.

07) I hate the concept of people buying ribbons and things like that because the proceeds go to charity.

There was an early episode of Mr. Show (if you haven’t seen it, imagine if Saturday Night Live was clever and funny) where the hosts, Bob and David, were sort of playing these characters that make fun of people who brag about charity.

There was one part where Bob said in an episode entitled “The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop”. He said, “Charity is when you do something for people while other people are watching.” Exactly.

Take these “I support” ribbons you see on the back of every gas guzzling SUV. The majority of the time, the money that you give for these things never goes to any charity. In fact, let’s pick on one in particular. Komen. The people who do the cancer awareness stuff and put pink ribbons on everything.

The get an asinine amount of money every year from people who believe that they’re buying pink to help fight breast cancer. They’re not. The money that Komen gets, the use the education loophole that many other “charities” have found. They can actually keep the money for themselves if they believe that they are educating people about something. Komen, for example, one year, kept something like 33% of all their profits just for “making people aware of breast cancer.” You know, that thing everyone knows exists?

All these companies and groups do it now. I noticed it the week after September 11th. Suddenly every store was selling American Flags and other patriotic goods. The cost on flags had sky rocketed. Hell, even dollar stores were selling them for like $10-$20 dollars a piece. Everyone wanted to have them up.

Honestly, it was ironic too because, according to the flag owner’s handbook or whatever the flag rules are, it’s unpatriotic to:

A) Have your flag up at night without it being lit.

B) Have your flag up in the rain.

C) Take it down without folding it up in the proper way.

I’m pretty sure I see a bunch of tattered flags dangling in my neighborhood 24/7.

Anyways, where was I. Oh yeah, things about me. Haha. It drives me nuts that people buy all these things to show that they support issues and causes but…rarely will they ever donate actual money to an actually group that’s trying to stop it. Probably because they don’t get a neat little sticker or pin for it.

08) If I don’t have music playing in the shower, my every thought is focused on what happens when you die.

When the energy leaves my brain and goes elsewhere, does my consciousness come with it?

Does my consciousness merely a program being run by the energy in my brain, when it leaves do I just click off?

When I click off, am I even aware of it? Does it take a while to get there? Do I slowly black out after dying, feeling, still seeing, capable of basic thought or is it like turning off a television.

Every time I’m in the shower, again, if there is no music, this is the only thing I think about. Same thing if I try sleeping without playing some Picross or something before hand.

09) I honestly believe in genetic memory.

I mean, if there was proof that it doesn’t, I’d accept it and stop believing it tomorrow. But until that day, I completely believe it exists.

IF you don’t know what genetic memory is, I’ll quote Wikipedia, “In psychology, genetic memory is a memory present at birth that exists in the absence of sensory experience, and is incorporated into the genome over long spans of time.”

One of the reasons I have for this is that there’s a weird habit I have. When I look down at something, upon lifting my head I tend to slide my finger up my nose like I’m pushing glasses back up. I’ve never worn glasses, mind you. But it feels like they’re slipping off my face when I look down.

Like wise, I had this weird thing that happened in high school that froze me and my friends in our collective tracks.

We were outside after school and one of my hyper friends was hitting me with a stick. There was a storm and there were just tree branches all over.

I kicked a stick up with my foot, caught it in my hand, deflected his blow, then did that weird spiral thing where it looks like I’m drawing a circle around his hand, flinging his stick out of his hand and too the side and then putting the point of my stick to his chest.

It was awesome. Haha.

But it was like…a weird fencing maneuver. I don’t know where I pulled that out of, I didn’t plan on it, it just happened.

So, I don’t know, I think there’s a good chance for it and, honestly, I think it’s a beautiful idea to know that our collective experiences don’t just die with us.

10) After reading the first nine, I think I’m ready to also admit that it is just fucking dark and weird in my head.


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