I told myself the other day that I was done blogging, but, this is a night for surprise twists so I figured one of them should at least be to maintain my outlet.
Someone said something to me today that made me realize something I never even thought about when it comes to my child. I’m not going to be a good father. That probably sounds super egotistical to say I never had that thought but, I’ll be honest, I really didn’t have that thought till today.
My joints are getting worse all the time, especially in the winter and it makes it really hard to hold my son sometimes. Especially when I get out of work since I’m hunched over a desk and sitting under a powerful vent for 8-10 hours.
And, I thought about it. My body is only getting weaker and my son is getting heavier. Am I going to hit this point where I can’t even play with him? Carry him on my shoulders? Even the silly stuff that kids love like boosted jumps or rough housing. Maybe I won’t be able to do all of those.
I mean, you don’t HAVE to do that sort of thing to have your kid come out ok, but…it’s some of my fondest memories of childhood. Sitting on my dad’s shoulders or wrestling with him or getting piggy back rides. Hell, I remember being small enough to remember playing airplane on his knees.
There are times, now, where I’ll be holding him for a bit and the pain will just be so severe it’s like getting stabbed all over again. Where I know that if I don’t put him down, my body will do it for me. He’s only two months old and my body is like this.
I try looking online but there doesn’t seem to be any tips or tricks. Truth be told, I googled several combinations from “dad bad back holding baby” to “how do I hold baby when I have a bad back” and I couldn’t find a thing. This either means I’m the only person who has ever had this problem (not likely) or the situation is hopefully.
Am I just fucked? Am I really going to be a bad father? I seriously never had that realization until today and it’s just…invaded my mind. Colonized my every thought.
I don’t know. Maybe there’s another parent out there with a bad back that found a life hack. If so, please let me know.
Oof, positive blog this was. Aren’t you all glad I didn’t quit writing?