Warning: May Exceed Daily Friendship Dosage

Hi! My name’s Eric. You may know me from the internet. I’m here today to talk to you about something important. Something that’s been making people angry as of late.

Of course, I’m talking about me.

See, I have a problem. Sometimes, when I make a friend, I make a GOOD friend. To turn back the clock and speak as a child, we’d call it a best friend. To turn back our brains and speak as an internet tween, we’d call it a “bestie”.

Now, the problem here is thus. I don’t take/make friends lightly. If I become friends with you and start talking to you it’s because you interest me and I genuinely appreciate the idea of you.

This may come in the form of me messaging you on Facebook or a chat program or even the phone. Don’t be alarmed. I just like talking to you.

Now, in the last few years, this has bothered people a lot. I get it, I’m obnoxious. But honestly, I’m doing this because I think you’re incredible, and super fun to talk to. I appreciate some hobby of yours and/or personality quirk and I love the time we get to spend communicating.

But regardless of the warning, some people find they have a hard time dealing with me so I’ve come up with some tips to better handle my friendship.

1) Let’s say you’re at home and you’re doing something. You could be cooking, gaming, masturbating or just generally being anti-social. Suddenly, your computer dings. It’s-a me. I’m saying hello.

Let’s take a look at the window, there’s something hidden between the name and the X. Check out this area I circled.


By clicking on that, it shrinks the messenger down and you don’t have to see whatever it is I’m trying to tell you.  As long as you have that shrunk, you don’t have to deal with annoyances from comments such as “hello”, “hi” or the dreaded, “how are you”.

2) But let’s say I go beyond the realm of computers and actually give you a call.  You’re sitting at home, doing whatever it is you’re doing.  Your phone rings and you see it’s me.  Maybe you want to chat, but maybe, just maybe, you don’t.  Stick with me, I’m about to blow your mind.  Just follow these steps.

*Don’t pick up.

There you go.  If you follow those steps, you’ll be well on your way to not talking to me on the phone.

Now, steps one and two seem incredibly complicated and I understand.  But I assure you, if you can figure it out, you’ll literally not have to deal with me if you’re not in the mood to.  No anger.  No stress.  No me.

So love it or hate it, this is me, this is who I am.  I’m sorry if the fact that I think you’re amazing is obnoxious.  I wish I could say I know what that’s like, but I can’t.

I hope this helps you on your road to better coping with Eric.

Generously portioned,


4 thoughts on “Warning: May Exceed Daily Friendship Dosage

  1. Aw. I am so convinced that I annoy everyone I come into contact with that when I lived in Cleveland I used to have to REALLY work hard to convince myself that it WASN’T creepy to drive down a street where someone who I knew lived if it was the most convenient way to get from Point A to Point B or the best way to circumvent traffic. All this, while living on one a road which was literally two of the most major roads IN THE COUNTRY.

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